a brave new world.

7/20/11 05:49 pm

Honestly?

Utterly disappointing,
revoltingly disgusting,
simply horrid.

that is what you have all become.

Yet I care.
I always have, always will.

Thoughts?

6/29/11 12:34 am

Have you ever seen a group of 40 elderly people sit together,
and have you seen them do simply exercises while sitting down on chairs,
smiling and laughing with one another,
occasionally missing a move or two,
yet simply enjoying one another's company and conversations.
Have you ever seen this wonderful sight?

Have you ever seen an elderly person fall asleep while doing some exercises,
or calling a friend "bo ghey" or toothless loudly for everyone to hear?
Today I did.
and as I joined them in their exercises,
there was a smile that appeared on my face.

I havent smiled this widely in such a long time.

and it felt really good.

We don't know what we have,

until we see what others don't.

Their warmth and hospitality,

how they simply accepted one another and had little or no barriers to one another,

really made me ponder.

It made me ponder on the friendships I have, had, will have in the future.

I want to be just like them.

Accepting, warm, hospitable, transparent.

yet perhaps Joel is right after all.

Maybe I do care too much.

Maybe I am too nice, till it becomes irritating.

If it's true,

I would be really torn.

I mean,

who would have thought caring could turn out to be a not-so-good thing?

How do I care, less?

Today I re-learnt something important from an elderly man.

"There are two kinds of people in this world: those who care, and those who don't.

Which one do you think you are? Which one do you want to be?"

6/26/11 12:28 am - I really hope you can read this.

I really really really wish I knew what happened.
How did things become like this?
I keep thinking, so much my head hurts,
yet I still find myself wishing I knew what this is about.

Maybe I did do something wrong.
Maybe I did make a mistake somewhere.
Maybe I did cause so much disappointment.
Maybe I really should change.

But please,
help me here.

Throw me a line.
Please talk to me, and let me know what it was.

I try, I really do my best.

I will keep doing so,

but I cannot simply move on,

if I know that I have hurt you, and have yet to know where and how.

Haven't we enough monsters to fight?

Why is this happening to us?

I'm fighting monsters I cannot see,

monsters I don't even know exist.

How can I ever beat them down?

How can I simply leave you alone?
Is that what you really want me to do?

I know things havent been easy for you.

in fact, things have been most cruel and unsettling.

Maybe, maybe to you, I have become part of these things.

I dont know how, but I really wish I do.

Whatever I have done to deserve this,
I deserve it.
And I am sorry, so very very sorry.
you must have been hurt so badly.

and that is the last thing I would ever do.

In fact, never.

I am truly sorry.

I don't know what people have said to you,
I don't know what you have heard.
But you know me the most,
All I ask is that you help me understand.

Please.

Thoughts?

6/24/11 10:08 am - Maybe I did after all.

Thoughts?

6/22/11 12:15 am - Sorry society, i refuse to budge.

what a night.
i dont even know where to begin.
was i asking for too much?
it seems more and more how much i am bounded by tangible results,
quantitative tabulation,
calculated costs and returns.

when will we be able to move beyond this?
When will the work we do be seen as the end, and not the means to it?
when can the work we do be fully supported by others,
and be given what is needed, not expecting anything else in return,
but for lives to be touched and changed.

I mean, what else do we stand for if that is not our ultimate goal?

if that is our ultimate goal, why is it so hard to give it our fullest support?
it almost feels sometimes like this is simply our own goal,
not the organisation's.
like we're working towards something that is not in line with the organisation's,

and we are simply given the permission to use this premises to do so.

correction, rent this premises.

perhaps, accommodated even.

day by day,
I find myself giving my everything,
to see eye to eye with those around me,
to put myself into their shoes,
and to worry for them,
feel with them,
think for them.

honestly, what about me?
who worries for me?
feels with me?
thinks for me?

Given a choice,
I really wish i was rich.
That i could spend that money wisely,
and use it to help so many people.

money money money,
the very last thing I wanted to worry about when I came into this line,
and it has become the very foremost worry on my mind.
what went wrong?

was it me?

did i become to preoccupied with the money?

or was it simply expectations that has led me to think of it?

I dont want to worry about money.

This is my take, this is my choice.

if no one is going to do it for me, for us,

I am going to take the lead.

To be the person who can take this worry off the minds of the team,

and to ensure that this can be one of the last worries on our minds.

that we can focus on providing quality and affordable services to our youth and their families,

and beyond that,

to empower them to be the change in society today.

money, can be found, can be made.

lives, we only have one each,

and i refuse to let the lives of those I work with be governed by it.

I may not have the best of everything,

but that doesnt mean those around me i care for shouldnt.

Thoughts?

6/20/11 11:43 pm - what's a song without an ending called?

there are many things i do not know,
many things i have yet to find out,
so many things that I wish I knew.
yet I can only come to this one question eventually,

what happened to us?

where did the good times go?
the late nights of verbal tango.
the many moments of laughter and our tears.
where are our promises?
our dreams our hopes our fears

where have they all gone now that I am here?

where did the good times go?

Thoughts?

6/17/11 11:56 pm

wow, 2 weeks have really flown by.
These past 2 weeks have been absolutely thrilling,
exciting despite it being nerve-wrecking.
To have to get this up close and personal with my clients,
and to work with them one to one,
is really something.

Different from working with young people.
very different.

Yet I am enjoying this journey.
It has been most challenging and truly an eye opener.
Learning so many new things each day,
and putting myself on the line to really take responsibility of my own learning.

but honestly,

these 2 weeks have been awfully tiring.

I am exhausted.

It's not easy adjusting to a new environment,

adjusting to a new culture.

It has really taken its toil on me.

I need a break.

Havent had a proper one ever since.

The girls are mostly going for their breaks.

A well-deserved one in fact.

I'm glad many of them are getting good rest,

rest they have been looking forward to.

I really hope I can get mine soon.

yet the challenge, is to find true rest in the midst of all these changes and busyness.

challenging indeed.

Thoughts?

6/13/11 10:26 pm

Behind every single action,
as long as we fuel it with passion,
nothing can ever stop us from finishing it.

as I look around,
as I learn and explore,
I see around me so much passion.

commitment.
I see people who are committed.
to the very end of things,
to finishing what they have started.

the first week has passed and it has been truly eventful.
so many new people,
so many new protocols and programs,
so many new events and situations.

yet one thing has remained,
I see people who are filled with passion for what they do.

both here and back in the team.

people who sweat it out,

give it all,

just to finish and to complete what they believe in.

and i have learnt that this is what drives us in this industry.

the passion.

for people,

for justice,

for equality,

for others.

and i remember,

this is the reason why I am here too.

I never lost it,

just that sometimes,

we forget.

and we need others to help us remember.

that's what friends are for.

Thoughts?

6/4/11 11:34 pm - seek, and we shall find.

today i cried.
I sat down,
and as i open my mouth,
i cried.

I didnt expect it, but I did.
not the wailing kind of cry,
but the broken,
quietly tearing kind of cry.

I cried because as I poured my heart out,
as I emptied myself,
and opened the deepest and darkest hurts,

and asked God to receive all these,

I realized that there was so much I had been bottling deep inside.

I realized that I never had the courage to let these out,

to share them with anyone.

I realized that there are some things people around me just do not understand.

I was hurting,

and today I came face to face with my hurts.

It felt good to cry,

and as I did,

I opened more and more,

and I poured out more and more,

and I sat there,

and deep inside,

I knew He was right there with me,

and there was this peace,

this calmness,

this gentleness in my heart.

Yes,

a lot is happening around me now.

and i'm caught right in the middle of it,

trying to make sense like everyone else.

I too am lost,

Yet today I learnt not to look at the confusion around me,

but to focus my eyes on the cross.

To remember that this battle is not for me to fight,

but it belongs to God, for His glory.

All I am called to do,

is to call upon Him,

to be still and listen,

and to stand firm.

Dear Team,

I am not Don, and I will never be Don.

There is no need to be afraid.

I am not Blythe, and I will never be Blythe.

But I will learn from her and do my best like she always does.

I am Jason.

and I pray, that who I am in Christ,

will be sufficient and able to bring us through this.

Lord, you bring us through this together,

that at the end of the day,

your name will be praised.

Amen.

Thoughts?

6/3/11 06:22 pm

Why the fear?
can't I share my feelings with someone,
without having them judge me for them?

It's unfair,
that I always have to worry about whether people are afraid of me.
After so long,
you mean nothing has changed?
you mean i have not earned any trust at all?
you mean I am still someone who you should be afraid of?

What have I done?
what have I not done?
Why isn't anyone willing to sit down with me,
and walk me through this?

It's difficult to care,

when people read your care otherwise.

it's tiring to care,

but hell,

I am going to care nonetheless.

whether or not they appreciate it,

whether or not they realize it.

I learnt,

that it doesnt matter whether people know,

just care, and love anyway.

not because you have to,

but because you want to.

Dont be a leader because you have to,

but because you want to,

because you are.

Lord,

help me,

help me care and love,

the way you love me.

help me do what is wise and right in your eyes,

not to fear man,

but to fear you and you alone.

Lord, if your call is for me to be a leader,

help me be a good one.

one that protects and loves,

even when it is hardest.

one who leads and guides,

even when it is scary and there are uncertainties.

For you shall be my light,

my guide,

and my assurance in stormy weather.

my tower of refuge,
my pillar of strength.

In Christ alone,

Amen.

Thoughts?

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