a brave new world.

today,
it's hurting the most.
because i see no way in anymore.

today i go to bed with questions in my head,
and i know that unless i face them head on,
i will never get the answers.

today, 
i am left with nothing,
and losing everything.

 i need sleep, 
i need my awesome bed,
but not now.
don't wanna risk getting my body-clock all re-wired.

perhaps the toughest thing is to listen,
and to find yourself not able to do anything to help.
yet you can only hope that simply by listening,
the silent pauses in between work their own magic,
and the unseen smile gradually brings calmness and ease.

it is painful,
and it is tiring to trust and to give space for growth.
sometimes it comes slow,
sometimes it comes with so much confusion,
sometimes it comes with so much tension and difficulty,
but my hope is that we will not lose sight of the beauty of growth itself.
that the beauty and significance of growth itself,
will render the slow-ness, the confusion and the difficult moments all insignificant,
and that the wait and the struggles are all worth it.

i am not sure why,
but i find myself refusing to give up hope.
so many times have i been on the verge of giving up hope,
but just faith itself, 
and i press on optimistically,
as painful as it may be.

silly to some,
and i do not blame them.
yet how can i lose hope,
when i know so many people place their hopes on me?
it's as good as telling others to give up on me as well.

we all need to grow.
in so many ways, in so many places, in so many areas.
some of us grow quickly,
some not as quick,
yet we all know growth is important. it is vital.

like a seed, thrown onto the ground,
as much as it desires to grow,
it needs the right environment, 
constant watering and care.

I may not be part of the environment,
i may not be able to do the watering,
but i know i can care.
that i shall do.
and someday,
i know the seed will grow,
and it will eventually bear fruit.

hope, because we have each other.
i think that is beautiful.

 VERY VERY TIRED.
aching all over,
and very tired.

both physically and mentally.

long busy weekend.
so much to say, 
so much to be done.

Ops Manning is quite a sore thumb in the midst of work.
first time though.
I guess it would be worth the experience,
knowing what to do and what needs to be done.

we all struggle,
with the things we are weakest at.
the things we do well,
we know we can handle them.
but the moment we are faced with areas of difficulty,
areas to conquer,
it is then we are given the opportunity to grow.

do it because you want to,
if not for yourself,
do it for the people around you who will benefit from it.

leaves us hardly any reason not to.

 looks like its gonna be a really busy ride for me next month.
i dont know why but i just cant seem to get down to getting them done.

you know,
i for the longest time,
have not experienced what it's like to have an empty plate.
to not have anything that needs to be done by me.

there are many thoughts running through my head.
some good, some not so good.
i choose to see that there's good in all of them.
it's tough, but i gotta do it.

i feel stretched and torn.
to give myself as much as i can to 2 groups of people.
i find myself fleeting around,
both in thoughts and in actions,
doing my best to get as much done as possible in these 2 groups of people,
and many times,
i find myself short of perfection.
and if you know me and my perfectionist ways,
that takes its toil on me.

i am really really doing my best to let it go.
believe me.
i too am not prepared for this battle that rages every night.
I am not enough.
in so many ways, so lacking.
and the more i hold on to it,
the more i struggle and fight with myself.
the more i beat myself for the imperfections i see of me.

i don't know really.
there's just so much going on both in and up there,
that i just find myself staring into space sometimes,
wondering how to make sense of them all.

maybe i shouldn't stay,
because i know i would for the wrong reasons.
and i know that is the last thing i want to stay for.
as much as my heart tells me otherwise.

it's hard you know,
to give up one of the things that matter most to you,
especially after you know you have given so much to others.
and you wonder,
if it's even wrong to receive at all.

it's a little empty inside now.
just a little.
a bit of a sigh from my chest,
a bit of a frown on my forehead,
a slight slouch on my shoulders.

i must look really beaten right now.
i guess i am.
beaten by my thoughts and emotions,
things i always found hard to understand and comprehend,
especially on nights like these.

all i can do,
is say my prayers,
and pray the Lord to make tomorrow a better day.

 here we go again eh Jason.
here we go again.

great job putting yourself right back where you started.
don't you ever learn?
what will it take before you know the consequences of what you're doing?

Don't you know you shouldnt?
Don't you know that you've been there,
and you know that you'll only end up getting yourself hurt in the process?
Why then do you keep throwing yourself into it?
Why then do you insist?

step back Jason.
Take big steps back.
At least for now.

Ask yourself why you are here again.
Ask yourself why you have put yourself into such places time and time again.
I do not understand.
Why do you seem as if you're compelled,
as if you have no choice?

Is it true?
Is that where you really want to be?
Do you even know?
Yes you are unsure.
Yes you want with all your heart to be there,
yet ask yourself,
why is it you mustn't.
why is it you cannot.

Stay firm Jason.
Stay firm to your foundations.
Do not force your way into something that isn't ready.
do not throw yourself into a situation where you may cause yourself to stumble.

I know it is hard to do so,
but you have to let it go.
pull yourself back and guard your heart.
for it is your gift.
for it is your strength.
guard it,
and do not let it falter.
guard it well,
and do not let it break,
for you are to do great things with it.

Your time will come,
perhaps, just not yet Jason,
Not yet.

Hang in there tender warrior.

 started on "the shack" this morning.
I was 3/4 through the book already by the afternoon.

strikes a chord so deep in you,
you feel with Mack(the main character) every step of the way.
You cry with him,
laugh with him,
feel afraid with him,
confused,
happy, 
amused,
delighted.

Sometimes i ask myself,
why such encounters with God do not often happen.
How much easier it would have made for people to believe in Him,
trust Him, and love Him.
Sometimes i ask myself,
why such encounters with God do not happen to me?

And as i read,
i realise,
that it is painful.
It is painful to encounter God.
Because we will realize that the real struggle we all have,
is that of within.

and those kinda struggles hurt like hell.

We are created to fly,
but we have had our wings clipped by so many things that weigh us down.
Until we allow the creator Himself to remove those clips,
we shall never fly again.


Dinner weighed me down today.
The boys were really nice despite their energy.
I'm glad i managed to break the ice with them with ease.
I just hope that me meeting them today,
has been a truly positive one in their lives.

That's something i am learning.
To give unconditionally,
to give even when things are not perfect,
to give happily and willingly,
to give because i know,
it brings joy to another person.

not the kind that would be taken for granted,
but the kinda joy that exudes and hopefully,
spreads to others around.

Mother Theresa once said,
"If you cannot feed 100, then feed 1."

I say,
"If you cannot feed 100, then feed 1, and work your way towards that 100."

over dinner,
i asked mom what was the one thing she always wanted, hoped for.

she said what i thought she would.
and i wasn't surprised.

what surprised me,
was the openness and honesty in which she said it.
the sincerity and that gentle smile she gave.
put so much into those few words.

I am so blessed.
and i know i am,
so that i can be a blessing to others.

what else could i have been so blessed for?










Blessed birthday mommy.
Thank God for you.

I love you.

it's mom's birthday tomorrow.

i cannot help but to break into a smile when i see her.

i do not understand,
how a person can serve her family so humbly and so quietly.
give up so much of her freedom and wants,
to just devote herself to the very people who throw clothes into the washer,
and dishes into the sink.

yet she does the laundry and the dishes so diligently.
not a complaint,
not a frown.
yet with so much love and humility.

i see her cooking and preparing meals for us.
giving medication and all sorts of remedies when we are not well,
calling us to make sure we have dinner after a hard day's work.

i realised something tonight.
i haven't got what it takes to be a mom.

she's special.
she's my mom.

 been really really busy for everyone lately.
meetings after planning after trainings after debriefings after briefings after executing after brainstorming after preparing after discussing.
the week never felt longer.

it's so easy to lose sight of hope and strength in the midst of busyness.
i'm just thankful i've got people by my side,
to laugh at, to laugh with,
to sharpen and to be sharpened by,
to care for and to care with,
to eat and to drink with.

it really makes the journey so much more worth enduring,
and so much more complete.

came home and checked on my dad in his room just now.
he was sitting and watching tv.
how i wish i could take him somewhere,
away from the mundaneness of his life now,
and let him explore and experience interesting and new things.

he has shared that he would like to leave his job,
and to travel the world and to enjoy himself.
i want to do that.
i want to be able to do that for my parents.
I ask myself,
that if i were at his age,
after having worked so long and so hard to see my family grow big and strong,
what would i wish i could do?


do what i love to do, that can make a positive difference to people living in this negative world.

i love my parents.

It is not the critic who counts,
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles,
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood,
who strives valiantly.
Who knows the great enthusiasms,
the great devotions,
who spends himself in a worthy cause,
who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who at the worst,
if he fails,
at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls,
who have never known neither victory nor defeat.

 time flies when you're having fun.
over the past few weeks,
many new friendships have been forged.
many memories.
many wonderful moments.
but as we enter this new year,
let's take these relationships to a newer level.
to a level beyond the superficial.
to where the heart is,
where our minds can be challenged,
where our needs can be met,
where Christ's love can be shared.

sometimes we do what we can for someone,
but if the person is not ready,
all we can do is really,
to be thankful for the opportunity nonetheless.
for the opportunity to hear of the struggle,
for the opportunity to care and to help in whatever limited way one can.
at this stage,
all we can do is to pray,
and to trust that in time,
in moments when the world seems to spin out of control,
what we have given or shared,
will come in handy.

this new week,
first week of the new year is going to be an amazingly hectic one.
i pray for strength,
firstly to overcome temptations,
secondly,
to persevere through this week with the joy of God in my heart,
as my strength.

It's tough to preach a slightly different message in different places,
yet with God as my constant,
i know what i say will be given by Him.
what i plan will be from Him.

There are many inconsistencies in life,
even the very ones we love and cherish the most.
yet only one is true and the same,
alpha and the omega,
the fulfilment of all prophecies and promises,
and that is Christ the Lord,
for whom all things were made.

tell me why i still cannot let it go.
tell me why it still makes my mind spin and my heart go queasy.
tell me why i can only afford a little smile and not a real big one.
tell me why i still find myself gazing into it with such intensity.
tell me why i still hold on despite how much i know i shouldn't.

perhaps,
hope is foolish.
perhaps it is foolish to hope.
but what else can i have or do,
but hope itself.

i've been busy.
i hate being busy.
i don't wanna be busy.

i dont know whats wrong with me.
cant seem to get a proper train of thoughts together.
cant seem to smile.
cant seem to do anything right.
cant seem to find the joy in what i do.
cant seem to focus and to do what i do well.

sometimes, 
in the midst of all the busyness,
in the midst of all the happenings,
in the middle of all the crowds, people and places,

you can still feel like the loneliest person ever.

 it is easy to lose the meaning in everything once you're tired.

sometimes i wonder what my 15 days of leave are for.
it almost doesnt feel any different whether or not i've used them.
probably feeling worse.

things happen, 
come and go,
and more things come.

there always seems to be stuff to do.

i am sick of doing things.

help me,
i'm losing the joy in many things.

 This is the first Christmas i am spending away from the guys.
Feels so different.
And really, Christmas is passing me by a lot quicker than I had expected.

I hope everyone will like the presents i got them.
Perhaps, only a small gesture for the many words i wish i could say,
and a card is simply too small a space for them all.

I ask myself,
why do we seem to wait for this special day all year round.
Such a magical feeling.
Such a wonderous and cosy feeling.

Smiles,
handshakes,
presents,
carols,
lights,
food,
laughter,
hugs,
phonecalls and well wishes.

The surface of the a special moment in time,
where man can do all the above,
because of the hope this one day reminds us of.

Do not lose sight of that hope,
not for our futures,
but for eternity.

Blessed Christmas everyone.
Jesus loves you.

 It's really nice to meet with the youths from QLC and JCC.
Though mostly outnumbered by our counterparts,
i'm still thankful that we are able to meet up and to just enjoy hanging out together,
be it catching a movie or just simply chilling over ice cream.

I ask myself each day,
if this is something i really want to do.
and as i look at them,
as i observe them together,
and how they simply take care of one another,
hang out and just share life,
i start to find myself with an ache in my heart,
to do what i can to take care of them.

I find myself in this position a lot.
always compelled and so drawn to caring for people,
and to loving and encouraging them,
just as i watch them do the same for others.

I am not sure what drives me to do that.
But i am sure that it is something i really do with all my heart,
and with all sincerity and to the best of my abilities, or the lack of it.

Having to always remind myself that i am not perfect,
that i too am lacking in so many areas,
helps me realize that there's only so much i can give to people.
The only way i can give them more,
is when i take less.
and to do that, 
is really something i have been struggling with for a while now.

yet as i give,
and as i struggle,
i find giving so much easier.
of course there are days when i just wallow is selfishness and hope the world understands why i need things for myself,
yet there are many moments when i am thankful,
that i can just let go and let God.
and in His hands,
like the little boy who gave only 5 loaves and 2 fishes,
in God's hands,
He takes the little i give, 
and multiplies them abundantly,
till it overflows with leftovers.

When that happens,
you are compelled to give.
and give i have.
and in my prayers,
I pray that God will indeed multiply them.

So yea,
will be really busy this Christmas.
Hardly have the time to complete my shopping,
or even to rest.
School's starting soon.
Gonna be really busy and stretched.

I somehow know that it is going to be another emotional ride.
I can only pray that in all these ups and downs,
Christ will be my consistent sufficiency, 
my guide, my shelter, my refuge of strength.

Goodbye 2009,
bring it on 2010.
I'll take you on with a stone in my sling,
and with God by my side.

i've been singing a lot lately.
Carols, Worship songs, Love songs.
Playing the guitar,
singing and harmonizing.

Honestly,
i'm starting to feel a little tired.
Throat's getting a little better,
but i still have my occasional spasms of a cough.
Finger tips are getting a little bruised.

I'm afraid you know.
I'm afraid Christmas will pass me by,
as quickly as Cross-I and 2009 did.

Yet to be thankful,
is something i need to learn to do regardless.

Had a good talk with a mother today.
Hearing her share her heart about the youth ministry,
and her son,
and what happened and how things are like now,
really got me thinking.

As the days go by,
i start to find myself more and more assured,
that i should go.
I find myself drawn to the needs of the people,
slowly, but surely.
As i talk and dialogue with parents,
youths,
pastors,
leaders,
I cannot help but to find myself seriously considering.

I wish i didnt have to.
I wish i could stay and be contented.
I wish i could.

But as i watch how things happen around me,
how situations come into play,
and how things change and evolve,
i realise that i am both pulled, and pushed into moving on.

I wish i could say that there was this big thing that could make me stay,
but for me to say that,
it would only expound my immaturity and selfishness.
Hence, i shall not make it true.

Yet as i ponder and i think,
as i find myself saying hard words,
words that i do not want to say,
that my mind does not want to say,
but my heart compels me to,
i can be honest with myself,
and i know that i in Christ i am secure,
and that i can be joyful and happy for others.

Of course i have my wants,
my needs,
my desires.
But for me to give up eternity for the future,
would be utter foolishness and folly.

God forbid.
May He guide my steps,
my paths,
and may His word be a lamp to my feet,
and a light to my path.
That as i give up and empty myself,
He will come and fill me up again.

Amen.

i do not even know where to start,
but i will just say that the past 4 days have been amazing.
in so many ways,
through so many people,
because of so many things that happened,
they have been perhaps 4 of the best days i've had in 2009.

not that everything was perfect,
not that everything went as planned or well,
not that i am not tired,
not that i enjoy sleeping on the hard floor,

but,
somehow,
these past 4 days have opened my eyes to many things.
opened my mind to many truths.
opened my heart to many people.

let's just put it this way,
i was hoping the 4 days wouldnt end,
not just yet.

I've crossed-i.

Today,

We were late for the walk but we completed on time.
The weather was hot but there was no rain.
The walk was far but the scenery was pleasant.
The group was small but Veron was there.
The bus ride was long but we caught a couple of winks.
The food was insufficient at first but we had just the right amounts.
We forgot the cups and ice but we got them both before Don came in the cab.
We alighted at the wrong place but eventually got to the pit safely.
We did not bring any lighter or matchsticks but thankfully, the little kiosk nearby sold lighters.
We did not have enough charcoal but Teng bought some.
We did not have enough drinks but Veron bought some.
The beef was tough and pork-like but the awesome pork Blythe brought made up for it.
We had no entertainment but Tang En brought cards.
Our fire died out but we managed to get an even better one up when Teng and Veron came.
There were many flies but our weapons and little decoy worked.
We bought 2 trays, thought we had no use for one of them but we did find a good use for it.
We thought that "Heart Attack" was not a good name of the game we were playing, and we came up with funnier ones for it.
I was worried Veron would be mad at the ice-cube but the ladies played back their game.
We did not have water to wash our hands at first but the bottles of water served us well.
We were tired and walking slowly to the bus-stop but the wait for the bus was really short.
We said "Allah" loudly in the bus but the muslim couple nearby was sleeping.
I cut my finger while washing the dishes but i managed to get the stains and smell off them.
The weather was threatening yet it was great weather for the bbq.

You see today,
i learnt something.

That it's the little imperfections throughout the day,
that make you see the things that make the day truly perfect.

I was just thinking last night,
about obstacles and the purpose they serve when we set for ourselves a goal.

yes,
i've been preaching that obstacles and brick walls are there to show us how badly we want our goals.
that these barriers are there, not to hinder us from our destinations, but to serve as milestones and as challenges for our journey.

i've lived with these beliefs,
experienced them,
had some learning experiences, some successes.

I realised that in some of the destinations i have mapped out for myself,
i find myself hitting brick walls after brick walls.
i have given what i could to break through them,
to climb over them,
to go around them,
never really letting any of them stop me.

but there comes a time when a particular obstacle stops you dead in your tracks.

and that caused me to ponder,
that perhaps,
obstacles are God's way of telling me,
that I am not on the right track,
and that i have perhaps deviated and swayed to another track unknowingly,
far off course from the path i was initially taking.

perhaps,
just maybe,
some obstacles are not meant to be overcome.
like how fences are put up,
to keep us in check,
because what lies beyond the fence,
on the supposedly greener side of the grass,
may not be something that's beneficial or good for us.

But perhaps in our selfish drive,
our self-ambition and our 'self-competency',
we drive so hard towards a particular goal,
that we need to slow down and to re-think our goals.

for all things are permissible,
but not all things are beneficial.

What are we setting these goals for?
Are they for our own pride,
our own comfort or our own wants?

Unfortunately,
i find myself in such a category.
and as i head towards my want,
my desire,
i find myself hitting a huge brick wall,
and i need to ask myself a tough question,

that beyond all my strength,
above all my abilities and desires,
is God telling me to
love Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength?

Because perhaps,
in my pursuit for my worldly happiness,
I have missed out on my treasures in heaven.

i think i got the cough from my sis.
starting to feel feverish with pretty bad cough.
lets hope that i'll get better with rest and water tonight.
got a day to spend with my parents tomorrow.
cant afford to fall sick!

not to forget our outing and bbq on thursday as well.
gotta get well before then!

Yet to start my Christmas shopping.
Lot's of things to buy.

Got a pair of drumsticks and gonna get a metronome for little Nat.
Hoping that it'll really spur him on to practice his drumming well.

I was thinking about John 3:16 today.
A verse that's perhaps so familiar with the world.
A verse that's really recited and repeated time and time again.
A verse that I have seen in so many places, since the day i was able to understand what my faith meant.

Yet i guess the challenge is this:
does John 3:16 still excite and capture my heart the way it did back then?
Or is it just a verse that i've taken for granted,
whose truths i have simply assumed understood.

So often have we taken things for granted.
the people around us.
the things said to us.
the books read.
the lessons learnt.
the moments in life that touch our hearts.

sometimes i wonder where i stand.
if i even come close.
i think about it,
and i find many truths that are hard to swallow,
but i have to anyway.

the truth is tough to swallow.
probably because we feed ourselves with lies,
with things that we want to hear.
and when the truth comes knocking on your door,
forcing its way in,
we gag and find it hard to welcome it in.
we're not ready.

its a late night,
the music is playing,
the mood seems right,
but you're not here.
i dont know what to make of it.
but i know that there are some things i will never understand.
and i am called to trust and to surrender.
to let it go.
and to enjoy the night and the music for what they are.

beautiful, lovely, simply soul.